You might have noticed my posts have slowed down and even stopped as of recent. No, I did not give up on our crusade for speaking the truth about celiac disease and my endless quest to make delicious nutritious gluten free foods to share with you. Sadly, one of MY TROOPS unfortunately has become quite ill. It has been a hell of a time to say the very least but I MUST believe that with every dark spot there has to be some light. RIGHT? Well I was in the dark and having a rough time finding it. I knew my pup would pass one day, I just wasn’t ready for it now. Until my beloved 65lb Bernese Mountain dog, Betty Boop, showed me a valuable lesson one day. One I will never forget and I wanted to share it with you, especially at this time of year – of new beginnings. I hope this story inspires you to look at each moment differently.
About a month ago I was working on a yummy biscuit recipe in my kitchen for an upcoming post when Betty Boop came over to me, nestled up beside me and dropped to the floor. I had just taken her to the vet a month prior for a full check up and she received a clean bill of health (doesn’t that sound familiar) but I knew something was not right so I rushed her to the ER. A long 4 hours later, I was told that the best thing to do is put her down. The doctor said she had about 4 tumors in her liver and one had burst and she was bleeding internally. Devastation is not the word. I can not remember crying that hard in years, possibly ever. I lay next to her on the cold hospital floor trying to wrap my head around what was happening. She was weak but still happily wagged her tail at the slight suggestion of a belly rub. With every friend that came to visit us that night she looked at them as if to thank them for coming. She seemed so happy to be surrounded by the people she loved most.
A wonderful surgeon at the hospital, Amy Canter, sat down on the floor with us and offered her advice. She said that if it was her dog she would operate to stop the bleeding first and most important but at the same time she would really be able to see what was going on inside her. It was a risky surgery but the thought of possibly having more time with her was what I needed to hear. If you have read any of my blogs at all you will already know that I am a fighter and I was ready to take this on for her. But was she up for it? I did not want to be selfish and keep Betty Boop in any pain but when I looked into my furry friend’s eyes she still had life in her! She looked back at me with all the trust in the world and laid her life in my hands with peace. After talking with loved ones and the surgeon I decided to push forward, proceed with the surgery, and pray for the best. I kissed her on her head, told her I would see her again and they wheeled my friend off to surgery. Happily, two hours later she came out of surgery and she was doing well. Just 3 days later I took her home from the hospital along with a diagnosis of a rare aggressive cancer that would probably take her within months with no hope of remedies offered.
Now at home, with that wonderful bit of information and no doctors to guide me or answer my many questions, she is dressed in one of my t-shirts so I didn’t have to see her shaved scarred belly. “Now what?” I thought. What did I just do? Am I suppose to just sit by and watch her die?!! There had to be something or someone I could call that could help!!! I must DO something!!! I scoured the internet researching her cancer. Researched the best doctors, herbal remedies, advice on diets and read tons of recommendations from others who dealt with this before me. My mission was underway! The next couple of days were filled with doctor appointments, lengthy conversations with holistic professionals, more researching, reading and lots and lots of crying. It seemed every time I looked at her I would break down. Sleeping for me was little to none. Every time I heard her move I would get up to check on her and make sure he wasn’t in any pain.
One of the best doctors I found offered some experimental chemo but that promised nothing. The worst part was I had to administer it to her! Poison! Poison that would most likely make her sick to her stomach. Something I didn’t even know if I could do, especially with no real hope offered. What I WAS doing though was what I knew best, helping her through food! I had found a cancer diet on line and was up at 6 am to prepare fresh cooked meals for her. Meals that consisted of exact proportions of protein, vegetables and good fats. There was also a cottage cheese flax seed mixture that I was whipping up. I had become a mad scientist! And Betty Boop laid in the kitchen with me watching me as she always did. She would look at me with her big brown eyes apologizing for not eating what I just worked so hard to make. I even started to puree her food and administer it through a turkey baster along with herbs that she was now on. Anything to help her get stronger for some more time with her or who knows… maybe cure her. This may all sound crazy to some but I needed to give her as much love and care as she has given me through the years. And although I was exhausted from this undertaking and so extremely broken hearted, I was just NOT ready to let her go.
That next weekend I planned a trip to her favorite beach spot. Anything that would make her happy and my dogs love the beach! What dog doesn’t?! Last summer when we found a very special and quaint place in the Hamptons that they just adore. When we arrived at our beloved spot it was an early gorgeous and sunny morning yet quite windy, so the beach was empty and just SO beautiful that describing what we saw would not do it justice. Betty Boop and her counterpart Frankie Beans howled as we pulled up and as soon as we got out of the car we made immediate contact with the sand.
I had never let them just run freely though. Due to too many people on the beach or me just being flat out scared of them getting washed out to sea by a giant wave. So I ran with them up and down as many times as I could… 2 to 3 times tops. We sat on the sand for a moment catching our breath. I looked over at her catching her breath and of course started to cry, I thought maybe I had made a mistake, maybe this was too much for her. I got up and started for the car but she pulled back as if to say “no way lady, I want to stay!” I pulled her leash again, and again she resisted. This was one strong terminally ill dog! I called her name and went to lift her now 65lb rump in efforts to get her to the car, yet she stood her ground. I finally gave in and started a SLOW walk back down the beach but that was not good enough, she wanted to run! She pulled and pulled on her leash. Still worrying about her being too tired, getting caught in a wave, her fate, worrying about EVERYTHING, I turned again for the the car. But Betty, as goofy as she is, always has a way of starring right through you. Well she was starring in that moment and NOT budging, begging me to undo her leash and be free. Without another thought I swallowed my fears, reached down and unhooked her leash. She took off like a bird let out of a cage!
There was so much excitement in her, so much energy, so much LIFE. It was in that moment that I realized that I had been looking at my dog and focusing on the fact that she was dying instead of appreciating the life she still very much had and wanted. She ran in and out of waves and up and down the beach. Barked at birds that flew by, she was having a ball. She was so very joyous! Dancing around carelessly with such grace, all with her 4 tumors in her belly and not giving a damn about any of it, she was alive and happy IN THAT VERY MOMENT! Thoughts of tomorrow did not even exist. Fears of the future were something she didn’t even know. I watched her and felt my whole body go calm. It was the first time in weeks my shoulders weren’t up around my ears. It was in that moment that I surrendered to the reality of life and let her go, in my heart. I had sense of grace that I don’t recall ever feeling. Witnessing this beautiful creature carelessly, freely moving through the sand. I needed to thank her for the many smiles she brought to my life, all the love she gives me that will never be forgotten and just accept that her time with me is almost done. I decided am going to let life BE, exactly the way it is, not the way I want it to be. It was a true lesson in life from a soaking wet pup that was now plopped at my feet covered in sand and happily wagging her tail.
Since that day on the beach we have continued to enjoy every single moment together and I take mental snap shots of her in my mind to keep always. When I leave her for a few hours I make sure to hug her tight before I go. She no longer gets forced to eat what she doesn’t want to and those chemo drugs have been in the garbage for weeks. These days her meal of choice is filet mignon and she is down to one great herbal vitamin. How long she has I do not know. It is not for me to know. That burden does not lie at my feet. My job is to make every moment count and cherish it as though it is the last. A lesson I think we all can learn.
Ever Onward,
Jennifer Esposito
Dear Jennifer and Betty Boop: Every word of what I just read has brought tears to my eyes. I will be forever grateful to you for sharing what must be a very painful episode in your life.
I wish you all the joys of being with your beloved friend for as long as she is with you and forever after.
Bless you for sharing.
I am forever
Your faithful fan
Sandra
Dear Jennifer,
Your words have brought very sad tears for me. I am so sorry you are going through such a very sad part of life. I too, have a dog that I cherish whom is beginning her twilight years. I have never had a more dear compainion in all my life. These wonderful creatures truly do teach us something about life. My prayers are with you and your family.
One thing I found that works for my dog when she has problems with her tummy, is greek yogurt. She is a 9lb. chihuahua and I give her about a tablespoon when she needs some help. It really seems to help her feel better, stop loose stools, and help her stay hydrated.
Sincerely,
Gail Rueckl
Absolutely beautiful message for all of us to live by. Live each day to the fullest..we may not always remember to do that…but remember the next day…and start again. Seize the moment…moments are all we have…enjoy our loved ones…and let them enjoy life without judging……run, frolic and look into the eyes of the ones we care about….give them hugs and kisses…and let them know how much they are appreciated and loved….because you never know when that will be the last time. xx
Wishing you and your friend the best
Jennifer, thank you so much for sharing this story. I recently lost my dog to cancer, and I always tried my best to show her love. Betty Boop is a beauty, please know that she loves you SO much!
She’s so beautiful and so is your story. Thank you for sharing it with us! ((hugs)) for you and Betty Boop.
Jennifer, I’ve been there many a time. She’s your child, plain and simple, and the hurt isn’t any less than it would be with a human child. As I was reading your story, I was thinking what I would do in that exact same situation and you pretty much made every choice I would’ve made and have made (right down to the “mental snap shots” part). I would not have been able to just put her down — I would’ve gathered more info on her condition (which you have) and “asked” Boop (via her own way of answering) what she wanted to do.
You are right — she’s not going to be around forever, but (and she) have, in a way, been given a wonderful gift — time to truly appreciate every single moment, to say everything you’ve wanted to say to her, and cherish the happy moments despite the sad. Again, I have been there. She is going through the same thing, even though she is the patient. And there’s not a doubt in my mind that she knows exactly what’s going on and all you’ve done and are doing for her. I’m so sorry you and Boop are going through this and my prayers are with both of you.
Jen~ What a beautifully written piece that pays such homage to Miss Betty Boop. I still have tears in my eyes after reading this as I lost my pup a year ago this past November to a certain heart disease. I miss him daily, but am ever grateful that he was a part of my crew and he allowed me to be a part of his pack.
Love to you and Betty Boop!
Lisa
We learn and grow from every bad experience in our lives. It helps us to appreciate the good. Thanks for sharing, and take care <3
Hi Jen,
I was with your Mother the night you received the call from the Dr. regarding the length of time left for Betty Boop. Reading your story made me cry…..but then I thought how true, we should be enjoying and living every moment . I’m happy you let her loose to enjoy freedom….everyone of us should experience what Betty Boop experienced that day. Enjoy her Jen, you’ve been a good Mom.
Luv ya,
Arline
Jen~ What a beautifully written piece that pays such homage to Miss Betty Boop. You’re doing the right thing. As hard as is it to relinquish the control we try to keep (by cooking certain meals and going to dr after dr) in these situations, you’ve made a magnificent and graceful choice for her. You’re letting her live HER life and enjoy it.
I know the feeling and I’m still wiping the tears from my eyes. I lost my beloved pup a year ago this past November to a form of heart disease. I miss him every single day, but I will be forever grateful that he was a part of my crew and he allowed me to be a part of his pack.
Love, hugs, and kisses to you and Betty Boop!
I understand all too well what you are going through. My four legged kids are my world and would do anything for them. I’m glad that you are cherishing everyday with Betty, as these are the memories you will hold closest to your heart. A friend posted the link below today and it made me think of you and Betty as I read it. Sometimes it amazes me how children see the world and how insightful they can be.
It’s s small article written by a vet about how a little boy explained to him why dogs have such a short time on earth compared to humans. May it give you some comfort
http://www.aplacetolovedogs.com/2010/06/why-do-dogs-leave-earth-first-a-child-answers/1486596831/
i, too, was in that very position last march. i had been treating my dinker doodle for 18 months with different antibiotics and special diet that included yogurt that i made from scratch. i knew that dd would let me know when the time had come to let him go. i just couldn’t not try to make him better with what had always fixed things for me. food. i just put him in bed with me on the couch with me wherever i was, he was. when he stopped coming to greet me, i knew the time was near. oh how i loved my dinkerdoodle. my 2 other babies have become even more spoiled. and yes, i still make there food from scratch. i feel your pain. what you are doing for boop is what is making her the happiest. sit beside her and love on her and soak up her love for this moment. i will keep you, boop, and beans in my prayers. boop will be healed. you and beans are the ones who must continue ever onward!
Jennifer, That was an incredibly captivating article you wrote. Furthermore, the title of your article was so powerful, I am sure it struck a visceral chord with everyone who read it. In fact, I cannot think of a better title that has such a stellar connotation that symbolizes the challenging emotions of one’s own self going through the numerous and endless chapters of love, life and thereafter. Once we think we have fully completed any one of those stages by going through the emotionally wrenching processes, all it takes is a fleeting moment of unpredictable circumstances, or a sign we may have missed is what can sometimes force us back to square one. You truly captured every emotion with the dialogue of your introspective and retrospective analysis. This process that you had to endure required you to call upon yourself, all by yourself, a certain strength you had to pull up from the very depths of the core of your constitution like an anchor at the bottom of an ocean. In my opinion, this is one of the best, if not the very best article I have read of your writing. God bless you, and I wish you peace, tranquility and solitude in your heart, mind and soul.
Jennifer,
Thank you for such a wonderful message and lesson. It is not always easy to surrender though. One of my kids, I have 3 cats, is sick and has been for awhile. I’ve been through everything you have. It is so hard to just let go and let life happen as it was meant to be. Enjoy your time with him and focus on the present God will take care of the rest. You and your kids are in my prayers.
May the New Year unfold many more blessings as BB is clearly a happy dog. Your love for BB is exceptional as is your compassion and talent in writing to convey the heart of this difficult lesson to all of us. Thank you for sharing and my husband and I love the butternut squash lasagna recipe.
Thank you, Jen, for sharing your story. I have 2 members of my “troop” as well and can only sympathize with you. My oldest was diagnosed with a liver disease a few years ago and to the amazement of the doctors, she’s still keeping up the fight. Never give up hope!
Oddly enough, I named my younger dog after your character on ‘Related’, Ginnie, and my nickname for her has always been Ginnie Bean. I think in a way she senses when my other dog is having a bad day and tries to lift her spirits, as I’m sure Frankie Beans does for Boop.
Me and my troops will keep you and yours in our thoughts and prayers.
~Melissa Y.
Jennifer~
I’m so grateful for your message. I lost my dear Joseph (my chocolate lab) a little over a year ago and I miss him every day. I only wish I could have had more time with him. He was gone suddenly…..he got hit by a car. It was very shocking and a terrible waste of a beautiful soul. I’m sure you will appreciate every moment you have left with Miss Boop! She knows you love her.
All my best,
Jennifer
I lost my little dog (Lydia) a few years ago to cancer. She was in so much pain that we had to have her put to sleep. It was a horrible gut wrenching decision and was one of the most difficult choices I’ve ever had to make in my lifetime. I’m so glad you have been blessed with additional time with BB. That additional time is an amazing gift.
Sending love and prayers to you and Betty Boop. She has it right in enjoying the time she has and living life to the fullest. We all should!
Thank you for sharing. Life is so precious. And every breath, every moment is a gift. Life to too short to sweat the petty BS. May you enjoy the time you have left with Boop and remember only the good memories.
BIG Hugs.
Rebecca Moore
I am so sorry your going through this. I understand how much a pets can mean to us, somedays that is all I have knowing they are just there to love us, times like these make us realize that all we can do is live in the moment and enjoy the people we have and four legged loved ones right now not later. I am going to go kiss my animal now. My heart and thoughts are with you.
You are giving Betty Boop the greatest gift… the one our furry friends give us without question: uncompromising, uninhibited love. What a joy.
The last day ( I did not know it at the time) of my dear Jasmine’s life we played at the park for hours. She was going to be 13 shortly, yet I was asked 3 times that day how old the “puppy” was. The joy on her face, and the freedom in her running was something I wanted to last forever.
As was our habit, when we came home from the park, I gave her a stretch and muscle rub. I felt a lump, then it wasn’t there anymore. I brushed it off.
The next morning, 6:30am on a Sunday, I awoke and did my usual tongue clicking sound to call my dogs to my bed, before we headed to the park to meet our pupster friends. In a split second I knew she was gone. No thumping of the tail that had greeted me for the decade since she had adopted me. No sounds of nails reaching for a stretch on the floor. I was paralyzed.
I screamed and howled from my bed as if I had lost one of my own children. It took me 10 minutes to move, but what brought me out of fetal position was my other dog’s eyes. I called the friend we were to meet and my “human troops” gathered and came over, retrieving Jasmine from her final resting place under my bed. Simon, my other dog stayed in the position he last saw her for 14 days.
The vet told me later that the lump was a tumor that had burst and it basically acted as an anesthetic and put her to sleep. I often say, “I should only be so lucky.” To have a day of pure joy as the last day on earth? That is a miracle.
Simon turned 13 this week, 7 years later, and I can’t say that I am not holding my breath every day just waiting for the moment.
The vast amount of love they bring to our lives could not be sustained for 100 years. It would not be fair.
Thanks for letting me share the memory of the greatest soul I have ever been in contact with. There isn’t a day that I don’t think of her… and both smile and tear up.
I wish you nothing but freedom and joy in these final times with your dear Betty Boop. We are just so lucky to have them.
My website, is about my desire to live each day fully with confidence, style and passion. I do it with Jasmine’s furry exuberance in my mind’s eye.
Embrace every moment, Jennifer. {{hugs}} ~Jill
What a beautiful story. One that I truly relate to. These animals are the sweetest souls that we are so very fortunate to have known. Living and loving so freely is something us humans can only dream to achieve. I do not dread the days ahead anymore because I know that these days I have had with her have been nothing but love, pure and full. Just like your last day with your girl. We are lucky.
I will absolutely check out your blog.
Much thanks to you
Ever onward
Jennifer
Jennifer, your love for your dogs is heartwarming and so touching, like a mother’s love for her children, there is nothing in the world you wouldn’t do for them, because you want them around as long as possible, but you also want them happy and content. I experienced that with are silky poo terrier, she was weak and lifeless, had liver trouble and died on the table. It was very hard on my husband and daughter. My Mother had cancer for 4 years and enjoyed everyday with her family surrounding and loving her and just doing the best we can for her & when my dad was given 6 months to live and decided to just enjoy everything and everyday with the people and things he loved. Live, Love, eat, drink and be happy as if it was your last, and he did..God Bless them..and you and your beloved throops. My Prayers are with you.
Thank you so much for your kind and very true words. Enjoy every moment!
Much love to you and yours
Ever onward
Jennifer
Jennifer you are a beautiful writer. I hope for the best for Betty. I have two Boston Terriers Lily & Katie. I hope when their time comes I can handle it with just an ounce of your courage. Best to both of you.
Wow you are very strong. I have had many dogs who have lived to be 12 and over. My little Weiner dog Windsor was the hardest to say goodby to. He was 12 yrs blind and Diabetic. I took care of so well that he lived 6 monthes longer then the vets said he would. I knew it was time when he was only living by only his survival instincts. You will also know in your heart. It is soo hard to let them go but they are always in your heart and we have given them wonderfu lives. I wish all dogs could have it so good.
I’m happy you love your pet so much to allow her the peace she need moving forward happy. Continue to enjoy every moment changing nothing and the inner gentleness will sustain you with nothing but laughter, joy and peace.
Thank you sooo much for sharing.
jennifer, can we please get an update on boop? my sarah is a 17 year old poodle that was my mother’s dog. mom made me promise to take care of her before mom died. so sarah has 1 tooth and now refuses to eat canned dog food regardles of brand or flavor. she likes the breakfast burrito from the restaurant where i work. she just got thru eating her bbq. she is a mess and will let you know in a minute that she is running things. my twin sister gives me hell for spoiling her in such a manner.
i figure that she has lived 17 human years and has 1 tooth. that gives her the right to run things and eat whatever she wants! i love my sarah. that doesn’t stop me from tiptoe into the house every day dreading the day that she no longer raises her head off her heated pillow to wag her tail at me. like all humans an creatures put on this earth, i know that day is coming. but that sure won’t keep me from spoiling her and loving her until then.
hope boop i running things at her house as well!
ever onward, vickie
Jennifer,
I just now came across this website and I have enjoyed your acting roles. I just now read this post about your dog Betty Boop. I know how you feel. 5 years ago on March 19th, I had to put my 150 lb St. Bernard Koko down. She had bone cancer. I thought she just had a bump on her paw because she bumped it on something but when she wouldn’t come upstairs to bed with me, I knew something was up. I took her to the vet and they gave me the worst news. She had bone cancer and the only solutions were to amputate her front paw or put her down. She was a little over 9 years old so she had a long happy live for a big dog like her. I still was not ready to let her go but I didn’t want to have her suffer either. It was a Friday afternoon and we scheduled an appointment for her to be put down on Monday. They gave me pain medication for her. After I gave her the pain medication, she was like a little puppy again. She would chase birds and rabbits and seemed so happy. I knew that I couldn’t put her down when she seemed so happy. I told the vet that I couldn’t put her down while she was still enjoying life. The vet told me that the pain medicine would only prolong her life a little while and that I would have to make the toughest decision of my life soon. I was blessed to have a week and a half with Koko where I truly enjoyed her unconditionally. I took her to the beach by the lake every day. I took her for car rides and didn’t mind if she tracked in dirt into the car. I love her the way that she has always loved me — unconditionally. She taught me far more than I ever taught her. She will always be with me. I prayed to God to let me know when it was time because I didn’t want to make that decision on my own. Finally, Koko went outside in the back yard and laid down and wouldn’t come inside and wouldn’t eat anything. She stayed out all night and wouldn’t come in. I finally got her inside but she wouldn’t go upstairs so I slept on the floor next to her all night long. I knew that she was telling me that it was time. So the next day I took her to the vet. She knew that I was going to put her out of her misery and she appreciated me for it. I remember after they euthenized her, I sat in the room alone with her for over 2 hours. The vets were very sympathetic and let me stay as long as I needed. I couldn’t stop crying and I am not the type of person that cries much but I lost my best friend. She was there through the divorce and all of the tough times. She taught me unconditional love. To confirm that God is always there for us, I have to tell this story. The day after I put Koko down, I prayed to God that he would let me know that I made the right decision and that Koko was in good hands in heaven. The next day, I was on my way to work and I noticed a piece of paper sticking out under the passenger seat. This was strange because I just vacuumed out my whole car top to bottom and didn’t see it at that time. I looked at the piece of paper and recognized it because it had a list of names of players that I coached in basketball and their phone numbers. I remembered that I lost the piece of paper a few years ago and there it was. I looked closer the the inside of the piece of paper was actually Koko’s vet bill from 2 years prior and on the bottom of their stationery was paw prints with the message, “Thank You”. I think this was a message from God thanking me for taking care of Koko so well over the past 9 years. This was the confirmation that I desperately needed to know that I made the right decision. Sorry for the lengthy post but I just wanted to share this with anyone who might need that reassurance that God is with us always. An amazing, loving God who took time out of his schedule to let one simple person who misses their dog know that they are loved beyond measure. For the pet owners who miss their friends, I believe in the Rainbow Bridge. The Rainbow Bridge is where animals are that have left this world and are waiting for their owners to cross over to heaven together. It is a place where our pet friends live free from pain and that have plenty of play mates. They play in the meadows chasing butterflies until one day they recognize their owners when they pass, and they race toward each other and are reunited as they cross over together side by side. Jennifer, I hope God continues to bless you and that all of your hopes and dreams come true today and always. You seem like such an awesome person from one Catholic to another.
Take care and God Bless!!
Jim
I needed this, & I’m thankful I somehow found it.
Thank you!
x
At times, the best thing in life is to surrender to what is. Rather than fighting the present moment it’s best to accept it as if you’ve chosen it yourself!
I hope betty boop does well….i know she will enjoy what time she has left…she has a good mommie…your troops are such a source of strength for you….animals and pets are very special and therapeutic as well….god bless you both…and frankie too…
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